Confession: I have an unhealthy zodiac obsession. Among the first questions I ask when meeting someone is “hey, when’s your birthday? Oh, and also your name, I guess.” Knowing the star you were born under immediately gives me all the information I need to work you… er… work with you. (Scorpio? Let’s be BFFs. Gemini? Boy, bye. Until tomorrow.)
“That’s silly,” you might think. “There are only 12 types of people on Earth? Insane!” Actually, once you’ve thrown in moon sign, rising sign, and the 9 other influential planets floating around, there are actually 8,916,100,448,256 types of people on Earth. And since we [fortunately] don’t have that many people living and breathing, there are types of people that haven’t even been discovered yet! Exciting, right?
I often combine that unhealthy obsession with my other unhealthy obsession: the goings-on of television. As I blissfully rot away in front of the boob tube, I try to keep some brain activity going by ascribing zodiac signs to my favorite characters. “Maybe we’d get along in real life,” I think, as I wipe my Tostito-dusted hands on the dog.
So, while I’m catching up on my bingeing this week, and in lieu of any interesting or timely topics, I’m dedicating this blog post to the best zodiac sign: Virgo.
(Full disclosure: I myself am a Virgo, so this list is a bit of confirmation bias. But it’s my blog, so shut up.)
According to astrologists Starsky and Cox, authors of Sextrology: The Astrology of Sex and the Sexes and Cosmic Coupling, Virgo women share the distinctive traits of:
- Pragmatism
- Adaptability
- Contemplation
- Composure
- Obligation
- Perfection
- Worry
- Analysis
- Reliability
- Modesty
- Self-righteousness
With these traits in mind, I’d like to present to you my nominations for favorite TV Virgo women.
Note: Since TV writers don’t often go out of their way to state a character’s birthday (birthday episodes are the worst), this is all speculation.
Jane Gloriana Villanueva of Jane the Virgin
Jane the Virgin tells the story of one Jane Gloriana Villanueva who, in an accident of telenovelic proportions, was artificially inseminated with the sperm of some guy she kissed years ago and is now her boss.
Evidence
I mean, come on. The word “Virgo” is practically in her name. While obviously not all Virgos are virginal (some are proud closet hoes), they are obsessed with perfection, whether it be how their room is organized or how their day is planned. No one knows from planning like Jane, who has kept a calendar since her pre-teen days and with the birth of Mateo (spoiler alert?), has been color-coding every moment of her and his day.
Pragmatism: Jane literally took the bus to her own wedding once Rogelio’s car broke down.
Worry: According to Sextrology (and general life experience), many Virgos are nitpicky hypochondriacs, always looking for the pit in the cherry. Not a single episode goes by where Jane isn’t biting her nails (well, not literally, because she’s too perfect) over Mateo’s latest sneeze, being a good mother, Rafael’s commitment to their relationship, advancing her career, or her own mortality. Rogelio stopped speaking to her for two days (he was kidnapped, but) and Jane had already begun furrowing her eyebrows. And when Mateo actually did get sick—through absolutely unavoidable circumstances—guess how long Jane beat herself up about it? Too long.
Reliability: Petra’s own baby daddy wasn’t in the room to watch her give birth. But you know who was? That’s right, Jane.
Obligation: Jane will shoot a text whenever she can’t make it to an event, like when she had to skip Rogelio’s premiere to comfort Xiomara. One of my Virgo friends absolutely abhors her family with the one exception of her mother. She hates them so much so that she moved across the country to get away from them, but the moment her mother asks her to fly back home for even the most trivial thing, she’ll hop on the next plane.
Self-Righteousness: Jane, fed up with Xiomara’s lack of responsibility, gave her mother the extended cold shoulder after chastising her. Have you ever ended up on a Virgo’s bad side? They’ll stop speaking to you for months if they think that they’re right (which they often are), waiting for you to come around and see their point of view.
One particular moment when I absolutely knew Jane and I shared a sun sign was during Chapter 33, where Jane’s mother fed her advice on “reading the signs” with Professor Chavez. Every little detail of their interaction was analyzed and overanalyzed to the point where Jane had led herself into believing that the good professor wanted something more than a student/teacher bond.
I cannot tell you how many texts I’ve sent to my lady friends overanalyzing the tiniest moves made by any potential suitor. Each text, Facebook poke, or pat on the back was an unequivocal declaration of love and while I’d like to say I’ve grown out of that, there are still… times.
As it turns out, the actress that plays Jane, Gina Rodriguez is a Leo, the sign preceding Virgo, and I’m sure she’d be the first to say that while she and Jane are similar in many ways (their activism, their passion for the Hispanic/Latino communities), there are quite a few ways in which their methods diverge.
Look, people, guessing the birthdays of fictional characters isn’t exactly a pseudoscience.
Alicia Florrick of The Good Wife
Another person I want to be when I grow up whom I greatly suspect of belonging to the Virgo persuasion is Alicia Florrick.
The Good Wife is a drama series following Alicia Florrick, who returns to her career in law after her husband, the State’s Attorney, was caught in a sex/political corruption scandal.
Evidence
In Sextrology, Starsky and Cox note that the Virgo tendency to look the other way or get lost in minutiae often leaves them the victim of cheating spouses.
From the very beginning, creators and producers Michelle and Robert King have stated that the series was about “the education of Alicia Florrick” as we watch her evolve from demure stay-at-home mom to a legal force to be reckoned with, all while navigating the constantly changing torrential atmosphere of the legal profession. Which speaks to Alicia’s prime Virgo trait-
Adaptability: In seven seasons, we have seen Alicia go from go-getter first year associate to equity partner to named partner at an opposing law firm to State’s Attorney candidate to head of her own law firm back to equity partner all while juggling being a single mom and the incessant needs of her perpetually philandering political candidate husband. You try thinking about handling that without your head spinning.
Modesty: After all, she is the good wife. But don’t let the name fool you. Alicia is the first to want to cast off the Florrick surname, fearing that by using it, she’s given advantages she didn’t earn. She’s received pep talks from friends and enemies alike about using the power of the Florrick name. After a few seasons, she’s the one calling the Florrick shots.
Contemplation: I once read a recap of TGW that specifically focused on Alicia’s reactions. To say that the woman is inscrutable is an understatement. There are several scenes in which Alicia shouts entire sentences with just a look, limiting her verbal reactions to simply one word. Virgos are constantly lost in their heads and while I do know one or two Virgos that wear their hearts on their sleeve, I know many more who come off as cold because Virgos don’t want anyone knowing they fear themselves incapable of doing it all (they can, though).
Composure:
Have you seen her wardrobe?
Even Michelle Obama, First Lady and actual American royalty, was caught in a Sophie’s Choice-level of “Who Wore It Best?” with Alicia.
The only loser is us for not being as god-like as they.
Reliability/Perfection: If I could list every time Owen or Veronica called Alicia “the perfect one” or “the caretaker”, telling her that she would never leave Peter because it would be too messy or complicated for her to attempt, I most certainly would. Unfortunately, I don’t have a team of interns working around the clock to find me clips (though I am taking volunteers).
Like with Jane, I had a moment of shared Virgoness with Alicia Florrick during the season five finale where Zach took off for… Dartmouth, maybe? College. He took off for college. Anyway, wanting to avoid a messy goodbye, he left the very night of his graduation. Alicia stood in the doorway on the other side of the apartment as he left, not wanting to smother him. It was clear that she didn’t want him to leave, but that she knew that he should. The moment of distance enrapt in complex emotions, contemplating what the exact level of affection the situation calls for is something with which Virgos, myself in particular, struggle constantly.
Suffice it to say, Alicia Florrick is a bonafide, daughter-of-Demeter Virgo lady and while I will accept arguments that she might actually be, say, a Capricorn, I will also physically fight you if you take this away from me. So there’s that.
[Possible] Honorable mentions:
- House of Cards’ Claire Underwood
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Willow Rosenberg
- Orange is the New Black’s Gloria Mendoza
Until the next binge,
Sir Windley.
P.S. This zodiac series may or may not be a filler for BWB downtimes. You have been warned.
T-v-BD 
